TIB tends to have a black & white view of cheating that I find naive.
Crushes tend to walk the line of emotional cheating, but honestly I
think they happen in even the most healthy relationships, and as long as you both want to work through them, they are worth working through.
My wife and I have dealt with crushes several times over our 10 years together. Once for me, and twice for her. I swear, if I asked any blog for help during the times she had crushes, cuz it was shitty times, it would have told me to walk away with a couple hundred upvotes, and that would have been the absolute worst advice. We've been married two years now and could not be happier. Each time has been a chance to make both ourselves and our relationship stronger. So, I decided to share our success with TIBR to maybe help other relationships. Obviously you should leave a relationship that is not healthy, but I don't think you should throw away a relationship
I think it happens by accident, and it's normal, and it's hard as shit, but as long as you both truly love each other and truly want to get past it, you can. And your relationship will be that much stronger if you do.
1. The relationship is strained Every relationship goes through hard times. There are ups, and there are downs, and crushes tend to happen when there are downs.
2. You or your partner's life is strained outside the relationship. Maybe money is tight. Maybe work is in overdrive. Family is sick. Life really sucks sometimes, and it can make us stressed, which can transfer into our relationship. We are more tense, and show our love less. We might still feel it, it's just harder to show because we're constantly stressed about other things.
3. The partner is at work/school more than at home awake. This one is pretty much all the time. We'll be at work or in class more hours in the day than we are at home with our partner. Then he is accidentally spending more time with a coworker or classmate than he is at home. Maybe they share an office, maybe they are in all the same classes. He's not trying to seek her out, they just happen to be in the same place most of the day/week.
4. The crush represents what you are dissatisfied in with your partner This might be kind of a cold way to think about it, but relationships can be thought of in terms of Pros & Cons. For example, my wife is not into sci-fi like I am, but this classmate did. We bonded over our favorite Star Trek series, and before I knew it I had a crush. In reality, my wife has a hundred more "pros" than this crush, but this crush had a pro where my wife had a con.
1. Keep open and honest communication at all times, and work through it TOGETHER. Don't hide your feelings from your partner, even if you want to protect the other person. You might not want to talk about it, wether you have the crush or they do, but you HAVE to communicate. You HAVE to know what your partner is going through at all times. Work through it together, and you'll come out together.
2. Don't be alone with your crush (like never meet up for coffee), because while she can't avoid working with him, she can avoid seeing him other outside of work. Meeting up like that is a chance at taking intimacy to a deeper level. You might want her to cut off ties to him entirely, but often that's next to impossible to implement. Think of this like a "soft" cutting off ties. Think about it, you have your "work friends," and then you have your "friends you hang out with." It puts a barrier there.
3. Never complain or joke about your partner to your crush Even the most innocent joke can indicate you are not happy with your relationship.
4. Spend more quality time together. These crushes happen in part because we are at work/school more than we are awake at home. So, overcompensate a little. Turn off the TV, get off facebook & reddit, and play board games or go for walks. I always think the free dates are more intimate than going out to dinner & drinks, because that can feel like throwing money at your relationship, but those can be fun, too.
5. Don't give ultimatums!! This is a very common tactic in these situations, and I think it only does harm to the relationship. It might seem like a good test of their devotion to you, but when you are emotional (which you definitely will be if you are going through this), please consider you might not be setting a reasonable ultimatum. More importantly, giving any ultimatum (however reasonable) tells your partner that you value your needs over your relationship. Even more importantly, giving an ultimatum forces them to work on the problem on their own, voiding the chance to work together, which is in violation of rule #3 above and makes it 10x harder to resolve. It says to them, "I give up, it's your problem... fix it or it's over." My parents got married on an ultimatum, so believe me when I tell you it doesn't work the way you think it should. I'm glad they got married and all because I exist and all, but that shit never got resolved.
These above rules are really simple, and are relatively easy to implement. It's the emotional turmoil the whole thing puts on your relationship that is hard. Obviously, you need to set your own rules between you and your partner, I'm just sharing what's worked for us. I hope this helps you if you ever find yourself in one of these not fun situations.
With the first crush, we set these ground rules together, and we've stuck to them, and they've all passed over. We were able to figure out the issues in our own relationships that contributed to crush happening in the first place, and so our relationship is that much stronger.
EDIT 1: Thanks for the gold!
EDIT 2: Some people have mentioned polyamory as alternatives to my suggestions. Like I said before, these are ground rules we came up with together because it works for both of us, and neither of us are interested in polyamory. If that is something both you and your partner are interested in, you will need to set different ground rules, but other than that it's the same idea: Open & honest communication, deep respect for your partner, and not breaking the ground rules, whatever you set. The same goes for threesomes and open relationships.
My wife and I have dealt with crushes several times over our 10 years together. Once for me, and twice for her. I swear, if I asked any blog for help during the times she had crushes, cuz it was shitty times, it would have told me to walk away with a couple hundred upvotes, and that would have been the absolute worst advice. We've been married two years now and could not be happier. Each time has been a chance to make both ourselves and our relationship stronger. So, I decided to share our success with TIBR to maybe help other relationships. Obviously you should leave a relationship that is not healthy, but I don't think you should throw away a relationship
What are crushes?
Crushes are accidental feelings someone has for another person (i.e. not their partner). This is different from people who seek out relationships via Tinder, etc. Usually they are with a coworker or classmate, because these are people they bump into a lot. They develop a friendship, and either over time or sometimes quite suddenly, they feel they "hit it off." They might feel the infatuation so strongly, it's like they are in love again. They probably feel confused and incredibly guilty because they love their partner so much, how could they feel such strong emotions for another person? And for you, it must feel like a huge breech of trust. You gave them their heart, how could they?I think it happens by accident, and it's normal, and it's hard as shit, but as long as you both truly love each other and truly want to get past it, you can. And your relationship will be that much stronger if you do.
What are the right conditions for a crush to occur?
Crushes happen when there's a perfect storm of variables: EDIT: I got some feedback on this so I'd like to change it. Crushes can happen at any time in a relationship for a various reasons, though I think the most pervasive crushes occur when there is a perfect storm of variables:1. The relationship is strained Every relationship goes through hard times. There are ups, and there are downs, and crushes tend to happen when there are downs.
2. You or your partner's life is strained outside the relationship. Maybe money is tight. Maybe work is in overdrive. Family is sick. Life really sucks sometimes, and it can make us stressed, which can transfer into our relationship. We are more tense, and show our love less. We might still feel it, it's just harder to show because we're constantly stressed about other things.
3. The partner is at work/school more than at home awake. This one is pretty much all the time. We'll be at work or in class more hours in the day than we are at home with our partner. Then he is accidentally spending more time with a coworker or classmate than he is at home. Maybe they share an office, maybe they are in all the same classes. He's not trying to seek her out, they just happen to be in the same place most of the day/week.
4. The crush represents what you are dissatisfied in with your partner This might be kind of a cold way to think about it, but relationships can be thought of in terms of Pros & Cons. For example, my wife is not into sci-fi like I am, but this classmate did. We bonded over our favorite Star Trek series, and before I knew it I had a crush. In reality, my wife has a hundred more "pros" than this crush, but this crush had a pro where my wife had a con.
So, your partner has a crush... What now?
Like I said, my wife and I have dealt with this several times over our relationship, and each time we've set ground rules, and each time we've come out stronger and more in love than before.1. Keep open and honest communication at all times, and work through it TOGETHER. Don't hide your feelings from your partner, even if you want to protect the other person. You might not want to talk about it, wether you have the crush or they do, but you HAVE to communicate. You HAVE to know what your partner is going through at all times. Work through it together, and you'll come out together.
2. Don't be alone with your crush (like never meet up for coffee), because while she can't avoid working with him, she can avoid seeing him other outside of work. Meeting up like that is a chance at taking intimacy to a deeper level. You might want her to cut off ties to him entirely, but often that's next to impossible to implement. Think of this like a "soft" cutting off ties. Think about it, you have your "work friends," and then you have your "friends you hang out with." It puts a barrier there.
3. Never complain or joke about your partner to your crush Even the most innocent joke can indicate you are not happy with your relationship.
4. Spend more quality time together. These crushes happen in part because we are at work/school more than we are awake at home. So, overcompensate a little. Turn off the TV, get off facebook & reddit, and play board games or go for walks. I always think the free dates are more intimate than going out to dinner & drinks, because that can feel like throwing money at your relationship, but those can be fun, too.
5. Don't give ultimatums!! This is a very common tactic in these situations, and I think it only does harm to the relationship. It might seem like a good test of their devotion to you, but when you are emotional (which you definitely will be if you are going through this), please consider you might not be setting a reasonable ultimatum. More importantly, giving any ultimatum (however reasonable) tells your partner that you value your needs over your relationship. Even more importantly, giving an ultimatum forces them to work on the problem on their own, voiding the chance to work together, which is in violation of rule #3 above and makes it 10x harder to resolve. It says to them, "I give up, it's your problem... fix it or it's over." My parents got married on an ultimatum, so believe me when I tell you it doesn't work the way you think it should. I'm glad they got married and all because I exist and all, but that shit never got resolved.
Giving an ultimatum ends the relationship, no matter what your partner chooses.
However, in the end, if your partner has a crush, maybe it's not worth it for you to work through their crush. It's a really hard process, and maybe you're not up to the challenge. Maybe you really do value your own needs over this relationship, and wouldn't mind breaking up, which is why you might be tempted to give an ultimatum. But let's be real, that's not because of their crush, or anything they did, it's because you don't value the relationship enough to keep working at it when things get tough. And maybe you shouldn't value it, maybe it's a bad relationship and you should give it up, but just be honest about why you're giving up, (and don't give an ultimatum).These above rules are really simple, and are relatively easy to implement. It's the emotional turmoil the whole thing puts on your relationship that is hard. Obviously, you need to set your own rules between you and your partner, I'm just sharing what's worked for us. I hope this helps you if you ever find yourself in one of these not fun situations.
With the first crush, we set these ground rules together, and we've stuck to them, and they've all passed over. We were able to figure out the issues in our own relationships that contributed to crush happening in the first place, and so our relationship is that much stronger.
EDIT 1: Thanks for the gold!
EDIT 2: Some people have mentioned polyamory as alternatives to my suggestions. Like I said before, these are ground rules we came up with together because it works for both of us, and neither of us are interested in polyamory. If that is something both you and your partner are interested in, you will need to set different ground rules, but other than that it's the same idea: Open & honest communication, deep respect for your partner, and not breaking the ground rules, whatever you set. The same goes for threesomes and open relationships.
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